Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
