You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
