i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
