i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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