you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
