Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
