Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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