you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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