you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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