Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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