When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
