I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
