Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
