Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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