I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
