I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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