i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
