It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize