you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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