and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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