It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
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