Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
