Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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