We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
