god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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