She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My penis needs a shock collar
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
