in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
