i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I touched a dick in church today
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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