well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
nutella sex= disaster
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
