i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
