That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
