You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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