my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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