You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
