giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
