five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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