she kept yelling 'call me bella'
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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