I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
