I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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