I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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