My Higher Power is John Stamos
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
