barbara walters just said penis...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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