I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
