I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
