a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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