when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm sobbing to NWA
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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