HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
