Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize