I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
