my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
