I can text with my tongue
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
