I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
