Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
