matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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