a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
