Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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