Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
