HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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