Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
