i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
