Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
