My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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