Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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