Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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