I wish I could teleport
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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