I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
