I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
did you just send me my own nude
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
