I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
